Today, I got a picture of my niece on her first day of college, standing in a sea of purple t-shirts. It started me thinking of when my kids were that age and younger. The transition from childhood to their teen years wasn’t always easy. Now they are independent men making their own way in life, but some of their friends weren’t so lucky. During their high school years, my sons tragically started to lose friends to substance overdoses. No matter how many funerals I attended with them, I couldn’t wrap my head around this. But I couldn’t let go of it either.
From infancy, parents do all kinds of things to keep their children safe, like covering electrical outlets, gating off stairways, and in my case, changing all my kitchen glasses to unbreakable plastic. At the same time, kids are encouraged to take safe age-appropriate risks, such as trying new foods or activities, or making a new friend. But we can’t always protect them from the things that happen when they aren’t with us, such as getting bullied at school or not getting the part they want in the school play. And that’s the tricky part.
I remember teaching my son to look both ways before crossing the street, and he only looked to the right for what seemed like the longest time. In time, my boys learned to navigate the neighborhood and visit friends on their own. And then came their teens. I didn’t know all of their friends anymore, and they were interested in new experiences, many of which I wasn’t privy to. (I’m still learning about some of their antics now, several years later.)
By the time kids are in 8th grade, they’re already feeling the peer pressure and starting to experiment with nicotine, illicit drugs, and alcohol. Some of this can be chalked up to youthful experimentation, but In this day and age, experimenting with drugs is more deadly than ever. Six out of ten fake prescription pills are laced with fentanyl. According to Anne Milgram, administrator of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA), in 2022, 70% of all overdose deaths were from fentanyl and other synthetic opioids, and 30% from methamphetamine. This makes the possibility of overdose death very real even for a person with no prior history of substance use.
Alarmingly, the National Center for Drug Abuse Statistics reported that among 12-17 year olds, 50% have misused a drug at least once, 21% of eighth graders and 46.6% of 12th graders have tried an illicit drug at least once. Couple this with the prevalence of behavioral health issues among adolescents and we have the perfect storm. At some point in their lives:
One in five adolescents have a major depressive episode (MDE)
One in five of with MDE also have substance use disorder
One in eight adolescents have suicidal thoughts.
Given these realities, it’s even more important to help our teenagers prevent using substances in the first place. Here are five tips to build resilience.
1. Help them look both ways and in all directions.
Parents and teachers can help them identify a risky situation, name it, trust themselves, and find a safe solution they believe in. Luckily, years of safety measures and unconditional love and acceptance for our children have already laid the groundwork. Looking both ways to cross the street can be expanded into recognizing when they are being drawn into something they know may be risky. It also means trusting themselves, so that if they feel uncomfortable in a situation, they will pay attention and act accordingly.
2. Give your teens room to develop their own interests.
The better their self-identity, the more likely they will pick like-minded people in their life who can bounce off ideas with them. Parents can help them develop a clear self-identity as they grow up by allowing them to make healthy choices, with guidance, and clear boundaries, as needed. It’s so important that they understand what matters to them internally, rather than trying to fit in with something they don’t themselves value. That way, when faced with their peers, they will be more self-driven and equipped to say what they need, rather than driven by what others want from them.
3. Help them plan ahead to get out of a situation quickly.
With cell phones and social media streaming their friend’s locations almost all the time, it’s harder to get our teens to make plans and stick to them. They also feel more pressure to respond to others right away. But we can help them preplan things more on their terms when precarious situations show up. For example, they can say they have other plans, offer an alternative, or delay their answer by excusing themselves to the bathroom to take some time to think or to call someone for help.
4. Allow your teens to share with you on their own terms.
The most likely way to get your teen to confide in you is to not make that a condition of your relationship with them. I remember getting bullied in 8th grade and going home with a “stomach ache”. It took me a few hours to fess up to my mom about what really happened. She let it be my idea to tell her. She listened as if she was hearing it for the first time, although she already knew what took place. I will never forget this.
We may not always know everything that’s going on with our teens, but we can still help them be prepared. Suppose they decide to attend a party where they won’t know all the people going. Parents might offer something like this: “If anything happens that you’re ever not sure about or uncomfortable with, call me and I’ll come get you. You don’t have to tell me what happened. I just want you to be safe.”
5. Recognize when your teen needs professional help.
If your teen does experiment with substances, it's important to distinguish when experimenting is becoming a pattern. Notice when something is affecting their ability to make a choice, and they behave differently than what they may want. This is where you may reach out for more help.
Unfortunately, peer pressure is pervasive, substances are everywhere, and we can’t always anticipate what our teens will do once they are exposed. We can, however, minimize the fallout by preparing them, helping them build resilience, and by being there for them every step of the way.
If you could use some help recognizing, and better managing, your teens strengths, challenges, and healthy engagement in their lives, we’d be happy to share Compris with your schools, counselors, and providers engaged in their care.
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